pre-Lent depression

Being back in London feels kind of weird this time round. Travelling from Heathrow to Chancery Lane felt lonely as my sister, who would always pick me up previously, wasn't there to do so. I was convinced to take a cab back, which I am sort of glad that I did so (1 heavy luggage and 2 hand-carries). I have no idea how I would have managed if I were to travel back by underground (which would have saved me enough to replace my favourite cardigan which shrunk).

Egawd, today is passing by so slowly! Due to the slight jetlag I'm having, I woke up at 9am (the norm is after 11am) and cleaned my room + kitchen floor and toilet. So glad I managed to finish by around noon. I don't know if it's OCD or what, but I must get the cleaning done before I start studying or I can't study. Yesterday passed by considerably slowly as well. I can't remember what I did yesterday. It must have been on the internet because I can never remember events that happened on the net. It's like a blackout period. Excessive internet surfing is bad :( it makes my days feel so meaningless (skype is an exception). Anyway, the past 2 days felt like as if I never left. It's the same feeling I had when I flew back to Singapore.

Lent term starts tomorrow. MAJOR DEPRESSING! The thought of it completely drains out my inspiration. Not that I have any for this post. Boohoo hope the constant brain freeze goes away soon :(

people you love hurt you the most

3 weeks ago I was looking forward to my flight back to Singapore. I've arrived safely and will be leaving in less than a fortnight. Boohoo, time is passing unbelievably quickly! I have been having quite a bit of fun for the last two weeks here in the lion city but at the same time have been receiving some negative vibes coming from, sadly, home. Haih. I am torn whether I should be looking forward to my trip back to London. Maybe my sister's plan of returning to London is not all bad. It'll definitely make me feel less lonely.

I'm feeling kind of bummed out for some unknown reason. Hope it goes away soon... grr.

boring

Alright, emo time is here. Being in a state of emo-ness actually makes me feel like blogging, weirdly enough.

5 weeks into Michaelmas and what have I achieved? Nothing much. At least nothing academically, sadly to say. Is it normal to be finding myself picking up the pieces which I have left behind while attempting to stay on par with everyone else? I hope it is. Being booked out this Sunday doesn't help. Guy Fawkes fireworks on Friday evening, Bicester (!!) for the whole of Saturday and uni mates' house-warming on Sunday evening. How am I supposed to schedule studies in?! I really dislike the idea of sacrificing more sleep when I think about the intensity of my dark circles. They are the worst. Ever. Grah!! Damn you internet for letting me do endless window shopping! Damn me for my non-existent self-control from surfing the net. :(

I have been trying to find a solution for this though. In the form of a list. I know how much I love love LOVE striking off the points of my list. It works from time to time, but distraction occurs and hence procrastination seeps through. But on a brighter side, it's working better than it used to so I shouldn't be discouraged about all of this and work it out. :)

Ok more on updates. I have settled for Microeconomics, which is quite manageable as for now (though I still picking some things up). My timetable is pretty cool as my Thursdays are officially empty and my only Wednesday lecture is recorded!! Yes I know, it's quite ironic that I'm still lagging behind even though I have 2 weekends in a week. Oh well. First few weeks of Michaelmas was basically spent packing and cleaning the house. I'm so glad my housemate and I came up with a roster. It gives me one less reason to put academics on hold. Like now, I should be studying instead of blogging.

I guess I'll be burning some midnight oil tonight :(

to be or not to be

My 6 months worth of effort to get a fair skin-tone got wiped out within 3 days of being in Singapore. How sad can it be? C'est très triste. :'(

1st 2 days I spent it with Shaun, Monday I tried to get over my jetlag and today was pretty eventful. I met up with Raaaaachel for MOS (!!) and spent an atrocious amount of d'argent on maquillage which is something I'd never expect myself to do. I blame Watsons to carry quite an attractive range of beauty products. They are too joli to reject and I'm deprived of Asian products!! High tea with Auntie Pat and her bestie at Equinox followed suit. I love love love the view and freedom of making tea ourselves! It comes in pretty teapots too. Pity that I didn't take any shots of l'endroit.

I'm a boring person. I'm out.

p.s. italics are french words. Guilty guilty guilty

I don't like it

"Do you know what it’s like to give your whole self to a person, and your whole heart to boot, until you’ve got nothing left to give- and then realize that it still isn’t what they need?"
-Jodi Picoult

I saw that phrase on someone's page @ tumblr. It's sad isn't it. Having make all the sacrifices, all voluntarily and thinking that it'll keep what one have wholly to oneself. In the end, it only push the person of interest into someone else's arms. I think some calls it "trying to hard". No one to blame but oneself for being silly thinking that all decisions made were just and expecting the person to appreciate what was sacrificed.

Sometimes, I wonder if I were all happy and everything I'll be in a state of... outsider dependant. One thing for sure is that I'll be respecting myself more than the current.

Sigh. I rarely get what I want. The reality is ugly.

I kerrnot berif zis

Bad hair day, boo. Everyday is a bad hair day because of the haircut. Thank goodness I didn't cut it shorter, leaving some room for correction(s) to be made. The fringe has grown longer and in my opinion, looks better as well. I guess time solves (nearly) everything. For my next haircut, I am thinking of getting a more demure cut. I don't know how is that going to fit my face/ will it? Grahhh, I shall see.

Guess what!...

I know I am like a gazillion years late, but it's better than never! Much love goes to Shaun. As always ♥ Cheeky boy. :)

Today... was... I've got a lot to think about. T_T I thought I was the one who puts more into it but I may be wrong

manipulation/ the truth?

I am not doing it because of what I've done but how you are reacting to it, how you are showing your concern, how hungry you are to be in control. I know some of my flaws, which I am very apologetic about. But aren't there other methods which you can use to correct it?

Fucking hurts. Really. I need something to cheer me up.
i cannot be selfish/ where's the confidence?
Joy never last.

No more jumping down the river and swimming against the current

I feel like I've lost the blogging feeling, the touch and the flow of it. Whenever I blog, I feel like I am more able to let go some of the things, especially feelings, that I've been keeping to myself. This is like an avenue which I seek my theraphy for... depression? Ha, what a word. It perfectly summarises today noon though.

Bah. I should think less like a child, it's waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay affecting my emotional state waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much.

I am down with most of my papers by now. Economics Unit 4 is going to be my last one for this time round, which I will have to sit for tomorrow. No doubt that I will have to retake this one as well, since I am never ever going to get over this thing between me and the subject. It's quite strange that I never am able to get it right. Depressing, I know. Arghhhhhhh, how very annoying!

I feel terrible now, really. I think I should really change my blogskin because the color is so dull and depressing and emphasise my depression whenever I am depressed. Geeeeeez, what a lousy sentence. T_T

Sigh, what a boring post.

I can't believe I did that and you said that

Today was so cold and gloomy. I don't think I am liking Autumn, it's not quite what I expected. The image that I always had of Autumn is that the trees are shedding their reddish/ orangish yellow leaves, covering the ground with it and they crackle the moment when you step on them. The sky is blue and the Sun shines radiantly, showering its glory on the surface of the earth. Hmm, sounds a bit like Spring... I think I mixed it up along the way. Blame it on Autumn In My Heart. It was potrayed like that in the drama!

Even though I am quite sad that I am not experiencing my fantasy Autumn, London is still quite a darling (I hope I didn't jinx it). Sure, it is a dangerous place, the things here are more expensive (except for some items like Amanda's M&S, luxury goods) and Boris Johnson seriously need to do some work on London Underground because the air down there is FREAKING FILTHY... but I guess the charm sort of make you fall in love with it in some weird way. I am not very sure why I like it here. Maybe it's the high street/ buildings/ simple things like the feeling you get when you are drinking coffee at Starbucks. Oh, the weather here is definitely one of the reasons why I would pick London over Singapore. Sigh, if only I could stay in UK for university... :(

Okay, enough said about weather & emo stuff. Classes lately has been quite dreadful. I have been getting the sleepy spell and I think I did the nod-head thing (when you are about to enter dreamland but still fighting to keep yourself awake) during Biology today. It was so boring! Or maybe it's quite interesting but I just wasn't able to keep myself awake. I remember the last time I did that was during Accounting class last term and Ashley saw it. He said Mrs Lau looked at how ridiculous I was nodding my head in such a manner, shook her head and frowned. I was so freaking embarrassed when he told me that! I hope she forgot about the incident. Heh! :D

I am going to try to catch up on my sleep this weekend since I am not going for paintball with the lot(phew). 6 hours of sleep in exchange for 9 hours of fun, hmm it's debatable on whether it's worth it or not. But I think I am more desperate for extra sleep, so I guess it IS worth it. Haaha~ I hope it'll be a successful try! :D

Alrightyyy, this is quite a long post. I am going back to tackle my Accounts. I have a test period tomorrow and I don't even know what in the world is going on. Oh, I got 67% for last week's test period. The lowest I've scored for Accounting. Omg, this week is like a record breaking week for lowest test period scores! What a sucky week. :(
grr
P.S: My sister was the one who was crazy over the drama. I only watched the episode when Autumn was potrayed as Spring.

I hate the kind of mental support my family is giving me

Hate is a strong word. I am not fond of using it often, but since the past few weeks it's been appearing in my mind and coming out of my mouth quite commonly. Today, the word is associated with my mom. I hate the fact that she's not like how most moms are- supportive, understanding and just like a best friend. A few years ago, I thought she has changed. I thought she was more approachable and that I could tell her anything and everything under the Sun. Thank goodness that I did not because today, she kind of removed a part of her mask (I hope you get what I am trying to say). I felt like as if I was backstabbed.

My parents was telling me about my university thing (again) and that if I can't get into LSE, I will have to go back Singapore and do A&F there which will be really horrid... I don't want to leave UK. I don't want to go back to Singapore because I will have to live with my mom and I don't like that. It really upsets me that they are not able to see that there are other good universities here in the UK. They kept on insisting in London which really doesn't have many good universities which offers A&F.

Sigh, life is unfair and we have no choice but to accept it. I hate this. I hate everything about myself. I wish I was a boy.

Alcohol isn't the solution/ right depressant

Fraisier: sweet as 999 marshmallows.

I've been spamming cakes I bought from Harrods last night and Love of My Life by Queen since morning. Hopefully, this will not continue until the end of the day or longer because I don't want to look like a fat clown. Sigh, why am I so affected by this?

Tomorrow I'll be going to a little sightseeing with my family. It's going to start like freaking early and end really late. I wonder when in the world will I be able to start my homework/revising. My time has been spent very (un)wisely on MSN and facebook shit, which I really really really need to learn how to stop doing those two! Arghh, I need a personal time manager or something. Oh, we'll be going to Bath and a couple of other places by the way. + it's by the freaking bus. Shaun told me that he vomitted like crazy the previous time he went there(he took the bus as well). ...I am scared. -_-

Is it worth it is it worth it is it worth it

Horoscope is pulling me back. You are pulling me back as well. Maybe I should just stop here, sit down and wait/ not think about it.

I've just sinned

I wonder if I did the right thing. My everything is in quite a mess right now. I need to travel somewhere alone/ hide under the duvet for 5 days/ drink gallons of Vanilla Latte. I think I might need alcohol.

Your touch was an addiction, I wish I could have done something to myself to make me go for it. But, the consequence might be even worse than now. Much worse.

I think I've fucking scare my confidante away. -_-

Life's such a _____. Fill in the blanks yourself.

HALF TERM BREAK IS HERE WHOOHOO

I am going to be driven nuts if not for the break.

1 week off is quite what I need now. Time to recharge energy battery! :D The thought of being able to sleep for about 10 hours or more per day really excites me. I've been sleeping for like 6-7 hours lately, though it's a bit of an improvement from the previous term when 2AM is my bedtime. Urgh, those horrible days. I hope I won't be going through the same thing again. :(

A lot of things happened in the past 10 days. But before that, I have to apologize for the lack of updates! I've been pretty occupied with schoolwork, MSN and some stuff which is probably going to affect my main purpose of coming to the UK. (the first reason is actually bullshit, fyi) It's like I want it a lot but I am scared of what's going to happen. Ahh... nevermind. My situation is really very crap. :(

Anyway back to the topic. Last weekend we had a party for Serene at this cool restaurant called Abracadabra. I've uploaded the pictures on facebook, and I am lazy to upload the whole bunch here again, so you people might want to check it out the first and second part. Click click!

Most of the people who went. Harshini, Zahabia, Ugo went home early while the others missed this part.

That's what most of the girls chipped in for... a Gucci scarf for Serene! (representatives: Pyin Nie and Regina Ng)

Feeding each other a piece of the cake :D Linh's the extra! Jk.

♥ this. Thanks to Regina who took it! :D

My parents came over on Sunday. I was initially quite thrilled about it but I am unsure about how I feel now. :/ They are saying that I change a lot when I only change for a bit?! & a few other stuff which adds up and equate to me being quite annoyed. They will only be leaving on the 10th, after celebrating my sister's birthday which is on the 7th, which is when the college is going to have a Halloween Party. Bummer? Oh well.

& some matters of the heart as well.

I wish some things could turn out the way I want it to be/ the best way ever. But again, nothing is perfect nor fair.

I really hate fake hopes

Those 2 were sufficient to keep me really happy today but when I came online and saw something, everything came crashing down again. Her fault, my fault, his fault? Most probably mine for thinking too much and being too sensitive and overly boring.

I freaking hate my week. Really, really.

Am I expecting a lot?

Do I? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know.

I didn't have a nice day today. 2 reasons:
1) My IELTS writing test went badly.
2) I saw... with... ...

D:

If getting over love is this tough, I will never want to fall in love again.
-恋空

Ever.

Gradual change in emotion

I can see my weekends coming! I can even smell it! YEY FOR WEEKENDS! :D

Thinking of the weekends makes me excited because I don't have to wake up at 7AM for 2 days straight. Extra rest = more endorphin for me! That is because I've been itching to go shopping for this week but I am too tired to do so from all the travelling between London and East Croydon. Hence, with more energy from the extra hours of sleep, I'll be able to do it on this weekends! YEY! Oh, not to forget that I'll have more time to finish up my already-piling homework. Bummer for them. :(

Ok, away from the happy stuff. I made a terrible, horrendous, apocalyptic, appalling, atrocious, awful, brutal, calamitous, cataclysmal, dire, disastrous, disturbing, dreadful, excessive, extreme, fearful, formidable, frightening, frightful, ghastly, grewsome, grim, grisly, gruesome, harrowing, hideous, horrible, horrific, horrifying, immoderate, intense, nefarious, painful, redoubtable, revolting, severe, shocking, tough, tragic, ugly, unfortunate, unpleasant, upsetting, vicious discovery yesterday! Oh my God. My IELTS speaking test clashed with College Photo Day. Can you imagine how (insert the same list of adjectives as above) is that?! I am very very very disappointed. Very, very. :( :(

I feel like spamming infinite "i don't know"s here. But I shan't do that.

I feel like what I wore today reflects what I feel inside.

I feel like... something I shouldn't be feeling.

Why is it coming back when it's supposed to be gone? because I'm seeing you for 5 days in a week.

Out, & emo.

Come back soon for my thoughts on a few pictures on the 1st Day.

When a hug could make a huge difference

You cried. Then you tried to act cheerful almost immediately and all that crap which I don't really understand why you would want to do that. What.. you want her to not worry about you? Then why in the world did you cry in the first place. I don't fucking know what else to say. Maybe that's just your personality & I should just keep my mouth shut and pretend that I didn't hear and see anything.

This is driving nuts. I am saying things which are pure lies/unsure about just because of convincing someone. It's like equivalent to digging my own grave. I feel like a fake being who is made up of a stack of cards. Living in a card-y world.

I wonder how long I am going to hang on for/to you. & whether or not I could .. Nevermind. Everything is so domino-ish right now.

The power of words

I don't care.

When I heard that, it felt like as if someone grabbed hold of my heart so tightly until it aches. How do they say that in Chinese? 心酸? I think it is. I looked like as though I am not affected by it, but actually I am. I thought you would understand why I am doing that after explaining to you.. but you didn't? But come to think of it, I think I would feel the same way as well if I were you. Ahhh, I don't know la.

Today's weather was good! I think. Yesterday's was better though. Yesterday morning was quite bright until I thought that it was 9 when I woke up. But when I checked my phone, it was just 6.50AM. Haha, I had a 10 minutes nap after that. On my way to school, the sun was higher up in the sky compared to most of the mornings too. Yesterday was a better day afterall. I am unsure whether I still want to see snow. Spring is quite appealing to me. Haha :)

Why was yesterday a better day? Well, I didn't have a tests to screw up that's why. I screwed up today's Biology and Accounts test really badly. Maybe Economics as well. It sucks when you realised that you screwed it up because you didn't even study for it. & when the sentence "you deserved it" starts to pop in your mind repeatedly until it irritates you. & when I thought of the people whom I have disappointed. It sucks, really.

The day ended pretty sucky-ly too. I ran all the way from Math class just to catch nothing. Not even a shadow. & what's worse is that it didn't even leave my pocket at all. I guess some things are just not meant to be passed over. No fate?

I am not typing like myself again -_- & I am glad that my jacket is warm. The 8 pounds wasn't a waste after all.

Okay, that's it. I am going to do my cocoa beans, which I have been owing Mr Lea for like 3 weeks already, now. Pray for me?

Emo evening

I thought I sorted it out just now, but I guess it's still lingering.

Today wasn't a good day for me although the weather was really great. Well, it was alright in the morning anyway. My mood-o-meter gradually declined(IELTS, haha!) as evening approaches. It is at its all time low compared to the past three weeks of school. I hope tomorrow will be a better day! :)
I need Mila :(
Guess what! I scored 80% for Econs, whoo~ Quite alright with the marks considering how much I revised and listened in class. Oh, when Mr Lea gave out the papers, Zahabia was like showing the typical Singaporean student attitude(the Ohno!). She scored really well anyway which makes it even more typical Singaporean student. Haha! & I found out that Syazwan(did I got it right?) likes Leah Dizon and he watched her that video. Boys... :/

On my way to the East Croydon station(on my way home), a dog came running towards me and started barking. What made it worse was that it starting going around me, like as if it's trying to pick a spot to land its teeth on. But surprisingly, I wasn't feeling any fear(my sister would have probably cried or something). I just stood still until its owner leashed it(they normally unleash their dog when they are in the park). It wasn't my first time when a dog did that to me anyway. I guess I am jaded with the experience. Haha! But thank goodness nothing happened to me. :D

3 of my things are either spoilt/lost. It makes me sad.

That's why I said it's complicated.
I hate fake hopes, I really do.

An entry you will not like

Please stop nagging when you want me to help around, because I will get irritated and when I do get irritated, things won't be moving as smoothly. You won't be happy, brother wont be happy, the dinner will be ruined.

Sometimes, I just wish I could remember what we talked about, Mila. & remind myself about it to not to be affected by (the other)it. & now I obviously failed because I am not feeling like myself again. It's just screwed. Screwed, screwed, screwed. I hate feeling this way because I tend to become less efficient. My concentration power is messed up and my emotional battery runs out.

:(

Anywayyyyy, Korean Boy is out of my list already. I have a new target. HO-HO-HO. He looks like a korean actor, but he's a Chinese. Ho-hum. They(KB&CB) were sitting next to each other today! Oh glee! :D But their backs were facing me, boo. Ah welllll! :/

Oh yea, that reminds me of Yu Jun's magic show(he did it in the library). It was good! Hmm, I wonder how he made the coin disappear. Too bad he only did it once because magicians don't repeat their tricks(Calvin said so)? Yep, today after lunch the library had interesting people but too bad I have maths class. Again, ah well!

I hope tomorrow will be a better day for me! Hehe, looking forward to smelling Gary~ :D

On days like this, I like to type emo nonsense.


If only you could pull me into your arms and tell me everything's going to be fine.
which is impossible

& this.