craving

Bad news, I'm addicted to 明太子! (pronounce: men-tai-ko) I'm about to make it for dinner now since sister is out tonight which means no salmon for dinner again -_-

bleagdshjfjsdeoa whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy 大事な人 whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy pourquoi tu n'a pas dit les trois mots pour moi? Je vraiment vraiment vraiment veux sais que tu sens ça... ou tu ne sens pas?

明太子 here I come!

I feel like bingeing

It feels like I haven't blogged for a month. Gosh, time is passing by so slowly! :(

Recently, I find that LSE is not as awesome as what I thought it would be. Or rather, my expectations are actually irrelevant to the reality that I am facing now. I feel like I have been cheated by all the branding, marketing and all those tactics. LSE is actually a regular London university: lectures, classes and socialising activities. At this point, I would say that what sets it apart is the number of workshops they organise, the history and diversity of the student body. This list should build up in time to come... I hope. Ahhh, it'll be great if I live in halls for 1st year! I feel really bitter to think about the number of events I've been missing out on due to agreements that I've made (and being "considerate"- sigh).

Grr I can't believe I am actually complaining about the university which I have been dreaming of since Secondary 3/4? This sucks! Where has the optimism (the few drops of it) gone to? :(

French is probably the highlight so far. Yes, I am taking french as part of my course. However, I may be switching to full modules of maths and stats (read GEEK x3 and DOOM xinfinity) before 30th October/sooner. Sigh, stepping into university has forced me to start planning on my future path. The modules that I will be taking on my first year will affect the ones I will be taking on the subsequent years. & one of the methods which I use to decide which modules to take is to consider the modules that I may want to take in the future. Confusing? Oh well, the thing is I can't really seek advice from anyone since this is MY future and I have to plan for MY OWN future. (the advice that I've got so far are very neutral except a few anyway) & the more advice I seek, the more confused/ undivided I get.

Ahh.. I think this is the reason why I feel old and I dread being old. At last! Some light as to why I'm feeling so listless. The wonders of blogging. :)
dont worry b, told u so :)
Let's get back to the topic. Yes, French. The language makes me feel so vulnerable and weak, like a complete beginner (which I obviously am). It's been really long since I've picked up something entirely new. It makes me feel quite alive, learning something from scratch albeit the pace we are doing it. I just hate it when we learn complicated things before knowing the basics well. For example, today we were thrown a whole paragraph of introduction (where I study, which degree and why) and our homework was to memorize how to write it and how to say it! Arghhh but oh well, I guess that can't be helped. :/

It's currently 2 weeks into term (we call it Michaelmas Term here- how cool is that! One of the pleasures I get at LSE) and I've a lot of catching up to do. Seriously, a lot! Sigh. I haven't even gotten my textbook. Except for one, which is borrowed from the library. It's pretty gross because there's dried up liquid marks at the lower 1/3 of the book... with yellow edges. Think chromatography and the end point? Arghhh I'm spreading my stupidity and confusion around aren't I!! (Geez, I am actually talking in my blog post wts T_T)

Okay, this is getting to nowhere. I'm out!

there's is still a fear inside me

My mind is as empty as the wall in front of me. Plain white and bare. There's nothing distinctive about it except for a few cracks here and there. Inside me there's something attacking my insides, particularly the thorax area. It's contracting subtly, reflecting the unwillingness to succumb to whatever that have been told to me. The sad truth is, I can't do anything about it to rebel. Half of what I have heard in the past couple of hours are true. Apart from that, it's conveyed to me by both of my parents. I can't say anything against my dad. He is, afterall, the person who is financing my needs at the present time. I have no choice.

The words were laid out so very clearly to me just now. So straight-forward and clear that I couldn't think of any ways for me to get around the law.

Right now, I'm torn. Torn to the fact that my parents don't approve of this and the fact that what they said is very logical. I'm scared of asking the question(s) because I know no one can be sure of what's going to happen in the long run. How much will I lose out? I don't know. I don't want to hurt anyone, not them, not you, not me. I had enough of being forced to let go of what I want now, all for the sake of a better future, protection of reputation.
:'( i am scared of what's happening inside me
I hate regretting.

We learn a lot of things everyday, every hour, if possible, every minute and second.

D Block, outside computer lab around the staircase area.
Me: *sees Shaun making his way to the library* SHAAAAAAAAUN!!
Shaun: Hey! Why are you so happy today?
Me: Is it? *grin, grin and triple grin*

Okay, that last action was just an exaggeration. I didn't grin that much, I just smiled at him. Haha~ I actually didn't realise that I was feeling happy until he asked me. Then it hit me. I realise that what I feel isn't a forced emotion but... (oh no) maybe a slight attraction? I really hope it wouldn't go any further though. Not that it's even possible, but it will be a difficult situation. is that what I really want?

Anyway, I was really happy today until a few people have to be wet blankets. Sigggh, rbnd ah rbnd, why did you and her do that to me today? I don't get what you 2 are trying to do. Or, she.

Oh, I have been getting myself in embarrassing situations for 2 days straight already. What's wrong with me lately? :|

&! IF I LOOK AT ANYONE OF YOU AND SMILE AND LOOK DOWN LIKE ALMOST IMMEDIATELY, IT IS HIGHLY LIKELY FOR IT TO BE ACCIDENTAL. No meaning behind it.
(like as if he'll read this, sheesh -_-)

Gradual change in emotion

I can see my weekends coming! I can even smell it! YEY FOR WEEKENDS! :D

Thinking of the weekends makes me excited because I don't have to wake up at 7AM for 2 days straight. Extra rest = more endorphin for me! That is because I've been itching to go shopping for this week but I am too tired to do so from all the travelling between London and East Croydon. Hence, with more energy from the extra hours of sleep, I'll be able to do it on this weekends! YEY! Oh, not to forget that I'll have more time to finish up my already-piling homework. Bummer for them. :(

Ok, away from the happy stuff. I made a terrible, horrendous, apocalyptic, appalling, atrocious, awful, brutal, calamitous, cataclysmal, dire, disastrous, disturbing, dreadful, excessive, extreme, fearful, formidable, frightening, frightful, ghastly, grewsome, grim, grisly, gruesome, harrowing, hideous, horrible, horrific, horrifying, immoderate, intense, nefarious, painful, redoubtable, revolting, severe, shocking, tough, tragic, ugly, unfortunate, unpleasant, upsetting, vicious discovery yesterday! Oh my God. My IELTS speaking test clashed with College Photo Day. Can you imagine how (insert the same list of adjectives as above) is that?! I am very very very disappointed. Very, very. :( :(

I feel like spamming infinite "i don't know"s here. But I shan't do that.

I feel like what I wore today reflects what I feel inside.

I feel like... something I shouldn't be feeling.

Why is it coming back when it's supposed to be gone? because I'm seeing you for 5 days in a week.

Out, & emo.

Come back soon for my thoughts on a few pictures on the 1st Day.