Oh my Lord, save me.

• just had French paper 6 hours ago. C'était très terrible.
• my head hurts.
• I have 2 days to cram 3 modules of accounting. Not funny.
• mega depressed + super unmotivated.
• my phone is lapsing again. URGH.
• there is not a single word I can use to describe how much I miss you.

:(

How can I possibly forget the degree of agony I have to go through during exam period? COME BACK TO EARTH! This is war.

this took me half an hour

It's 20 minutes to 11pm and I've decided to use this time to post a quick update. Shaun went in for his BMT training yesterday. For those who doesn't know what BMT is, it's a NS basic training thing (can't be bothered to know what the abbreviation stand for grr..). In short the boyfriend has to serve the nation for 2 whole years. The BMT is about 9 weeks or so and he gets to come home on the weekends after the confinement period (is it the right term?). That is if everything goes smoothly. I suppose it wouldn't make a difference if he gets to come out a day earlier once I get used to it. & of course, that is if I were to be overseas since I can't touch/smell/taste him via the webcam.

The one day went by pretty ordinarily. I missed the first 2 slots of my timetable due to body aches after 40 minutes of pilates yesterday. Yes, I've started working out once more!! *cries out to the world in glee* I finally joined the gym (Gymbox) on Monday. It was a pleasant surprise when I was told that I am able to get a cheaper rate (corporate) since I'm a student of LSE. I totally love surprise discounts! So obviously I signed up on the spot. Gymbox is the gym that I've been lusting for since A levels just because of their marketing strategy i.e. how they call their classes e.g. Commando Training, Pilates Bootcamp, Look Better Naked... let's hope it's not just marketing strategy, you know what I mean? I really hate getting my feelings cheated! No surprise discounts will ever make up for my bruised soul.

Anyway, headed down to Gucci to send my bag for repairing and check if my sister's bag is ready for collection (sent it in for dry cleaning). Oh yes, guess what happened? The handle of my bag came off! Yea, I have been really jinxed with my possessions nowadays. I got it like about 2 months ago and only used it like 3-5 times maximum. Just imagine the horror I have to suffer when I felt one of the handles coming lose, slipping off my shoulder and seeing the dislodged handle swaying from one direction to another. As I try to recall it, the moment seemed like as if it was in slow motion. Total O_O

The guy told me that the servicing fee will be waived but it'll take about 4-6 weeks for it to be fixed. To think that he told me I can only collect my sister's bag in another 4 weeks... seriously guys?! Is my sister's bag having that great a time at Florence that it's not willing to come back? It'll really suck if I can't get my bag before I head back to Singapore, which is in about 6 weeks. LE SIGH.

Academics is going downhill (work is piling up hence academics can only go down the hill ahahahahhahahhahaa get it?!!), energy level is plummeting to a very low level and my dark circles are definitely increasing in circumference. ARGH, I NEED SOME COMFORT.

I miss mon petit ami so much!!

worst day ever

Today was such a horrible day. Primarily it's due to the fact that my bank application got postponed... again! Goodness, it has been months (and if you really want to talk about it in real terms, it's been years really) since I've been trying to open a bank account. Various reasons/ events will pop up before/ during my application and hence delaying the process. It's so mega difficult to open a bank account here if you are a first year, above 18, picky, doesn't have much knowledge about opening bank accounts and siblings who thinks that you're able to survive without a bank account. Ugrh, I really hate pushing blames to others but, really, I wish they were agreeable in doing me the favour of telling my parents that a bank account is necessary ever since A levels. It could have been super cheap and convenient if it were to be settled then. Oh God.

Someone please tell me: is it silly to get stressed over this issue? :(

Oh yea, adding on to my misfortune, I just ruined my 2nd piece of denim. Really, when will things be rocking my socks off again? (I take back that "again")

To think that I did a couple of small (good) deeds earlier on in the day.

my sad summer

My prayers didn't come true. Neither did it rain nor Shaun get well on the day after the prayer. No traces of rain yesterday, today, probably not tomorrow either. Sigh, nothing's on my side. My parents have been really blah ever since I came back, treating me like a child with the grounding, threats and rules. Aren't children who come home from abroad supposed to be greeted with liberisation and maturity? Apparently this one child issn't fortunate enough to get such treatment. I came back only to realise myself chained and brainwashed. It makes me doubt so many things about them... it makes me sad.

Clashing point-of-views, refusing to broaden up their thoughts in this modern world, believing so strongly in themselves, being madly overprotective over their kids, PARENTS ARE THE LAW... all these are going to drive me insane. Q_Q

Treasure your parents. If they only go as far as nagging, be grateful that they didn't take away your privileges like what they did to me.

there's is still a fear inside me

My mind is as empty as the wall in front of me. Plain white and bare. There's nothing distinctive about it except for a few cracks here and there. Inside me there's something attacking my insides, particularly the thorax area. It's contracting subtly, reflecting the unwillingness to succumb to whatever that have been told to me. The sad truth is, I can't do anything about it to rebel. Half of what I have heard in the past couple of hours are true. Apart from that, it's conveyed to me by both of my parents. I can't say anything against my dad. He is, afterall, the person who is financing my needs at the present time. I have no choice.

The words were laid out so very clearly to me just now. So straight-forward and clear that I couldn't think of any ways for me to get around the law.

Right now, I'm torn. Torn to the fact that my parents don't approve of this and the fact that what they said is very logical. I'm scared of asking the question(s) because I know no one can be sure of what's going to happen in the long run. How much will I lose out? I don't know. I don't want to hurt anyone, not them, not you, not me. I had enough of being forced to let go of what I want now, all for the sake of a better future, protection of reputation.
:'( i am scared of what's happening inside me
I hate regretting.

deeply touched.

Bowtie! ♥ I know my pose is damn retarded but it's cool ok. Tell me, would you dare to put it up?!

I haven't mentioned that I had a haircut, for nearly 3 weeks. Nor uploaded a picture of my new hair. Well, it's better late than never! Here it is, up there. My new hair: a shorter fringe, more layers but the length didn't change much. I got rid of the split and dry ends, yey! I am not satisfied with the whole cut though. I seriously believe it doesn't suit my personality and there are rooms for improvement on how she handled my delicate fringe. It's still as dreadful now, after waiting for nearly a month and self trimming it to make it look more even (it was horribly loopsided). The hairdresser has relocated to a new, lousier place and I guess that has a part to play in her deteriorated skills. She charged the same price nonetheless. Rip-off, I say.


Part of my day has passed by decently. I watched the 2nd episode of VOICE (ヴォイス) just now. It got me thinking on a lot of things... before I start talking about them, the episode is about *SPOILER AHEAD* a group of forensic students investigating the death of an unemployed man. He was walking home, holding a bag of eggs which he just bought from the market, suddenly collapsed and died on the spot. This group of students, being very nosy and giving us dorama (and Eita fangirls!!) lovers something to watch at the same time, got out of their way and acted as though they were detectives. They investigated the cause of death... which turned out to be really touching. He was actually buying the eggs to make his wife some french toast in order to make up to her (who initially voiced out that she felt they haven't been doing anything together for a long time and that their relationship is strained). He died because he was electrocuted earlier on while plugging in an old plug to the socket as he wanted to watch a movie (Kramer vs. Kramer) which the couple both liked. The wife actually thought that he wanted to end the relationship as the guy left his ring in the kitchen and he was nowhere to be seen. In fact, he left it there because it's a natural reaction to take if off before cooking. Cooking something for her. It was so touching. :'(

Through the episode, they also covered the feelings that the widow has to live with for the rest of her life. It was really overwhelming as I think about it. Can you imagine someone you love so much died right after you told him that you are disappointed with him and before he died he was actually trying really hard to make it up to you? If I were her, will I get over it? Why did I doubt his feelings and devotion right before he died, in such a way too? Why is life so... vulnerable? Why must I say those things before I leave the house? :'(

Damn, I am very emotional now. :'( :'( :'(

manipulation/ the truth?

I am not doing it because of what I've done but how you are reacting to it, how you are showing your concern, how hungry you are to be in control. I know some of my flaws, which I am very apologetic about. But aren't there other methods which you can use to correct it?

Fucking hurts. Really. I need something to cheer me up.
i cannot be selfish/ where's the confidence?
Joy never last.