behavioural changes

The lack of punctuations and expressions in texting can be really be misleading. It normally passes off as "cold" even though it simply means neural/ what the content is about, nothing more and nothing less. Whether or not punctuations and expressions disguise affection, it really boils down to the relationship between the texter and the receiver. If you know the person really well, because you are close to him/her, you won't have to worry about the person because you should know why the person texts that way and there's nothing to worry about (or something). But is it closely correlated? Being close and knowing the person? Is it possible to be close to a person and not know how the person is like? Maybe. I'd say that this test is continuous variation i.e. anything's possible/ nothing is impossible. (wts?)

Back to my case. I am exceptionally lousy in interpreting texts without punctuations and expressions, especially if the texter is someone I am very close to. The closer I am to the person, the more worried I become when I receive a text with just alphabets strung together. Is it because I care too much? Paranoia? Have I got nothing else better to do other than thinking how the person is feeling? I'm not saying that I don't know the person that I'm close to, but sometimes you just have that doubt because people, well being the true nature of a human being, is liable to act out of the normal behaviour from time to time. & this assumption is stuck in my mind. Truth be told, it's very rare for me to not be cautious of someone whom I am starting to get close to. Again, it's human nature issn't it? It's self-defence.

I really shouldn't be spending too much time on this with my luggage yet to be packed, assignments yet to be done and errands yet to be run (ran?). I was quite bugged with a couple of texts these few days and I'm keeping it all in until now, which once again have proved that bottling is just not for me. When will I learn? :/

Henceforth, I've decided to settle with the fact that texters tend to leave out punctuations and expressions because they are tired. Full-stop. No more listing out of possibilities. No more of getting worried, acting foolish and adolescent-y. Just leave it and move on!

Obviously, through this post, one can see that Statistics has taken over my mind. I'm in desperate need of a getaway for a couple of days at least!! :(

worst day ever

Today was such a horrible day. Primarily it's due to the fact that my bank application got postponed... again! Goodness, it has been months (and if you really want to talk about it in real terms, it's been years really) since I've been trying to open a bank account. Various reasons/ events will pop up before/ during my application and hence delaying the process. It's so mega difficult to open a bank account here if you are a first year, above 18, picky, doesn't have much knowledge about opening bank accounts and siblings who thinks that you're able to survive without a bank account. Ugrh, I really hate pushing blames to others but, really, I wish they were agreeable in doing me the favour of telling my parents that a bank account is necessary ever since A levels. It could have been super cheap and convenient if it were to be settled then. Oh God.

Someone please tell me: is it silly to get stressed over this issue? :(

Oh yea, adding on to my misfortune, I just ruined my 2nd piece of denim. Really, when will things be rocking my socks off again? (I take back that "again")

To think that I did a couple of small (good) deeds earlier on in the day.

there's is still a fear inside me

My mind is as empty as the wall in front of me. Plain white and bare. There's nothing distinctive about it except for a few cracks here and there. Inside me there's something attacking my insides, particularly the thorax area. It's contracting subtly, reflecting the unwillingness to succumb to whatever that have been told to me. The sad truth is, I can't do anything about it to rebel. Half of what I have heard in the past couple of hours are true. Apart from that, it's conveyed to me by both of my parents. I can't say anything against my dad. He is, afterall, the person who is financing my needs at the present time. I have no choice.

The words were laid out so very clearly to me just now. So straight-forward and clear that I couldn't think of any ways for me to get around the law.

Right now, I'm torn. Torn to the fact that my parents don't approve of this and the fact that what they said is very logical. I'm scared of asking the question(s) because I know no one can be sure of what's going to happen in the long run. How much will I lose out? I don't know. I don't want to hurt anyone, not them, not you, not me. I had enough of being forced to let go of what I want now, all for the sake of a better future, protection of reputation.
:'( i am scared of what's happening inside me
I hate regretting.

It might answer your question(s)

1 Corinthians 13

Love

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

goodnight my friend,
goodbye my love.

Emo evening

I thought I sorted it out just now, but I guess it's still lingering.

Today wasn't a good day for me although the weather was really great. Well, it was alright in the morning anyway. My mood-o-meter gradually declined(IELTS, haha!) as evening approaches. It is at its all time low compared to the past three weeks of school. I hope tomorrow will be a better day! :)
I need Mila :(
Guess what! I scored 80% for Econs, whoo~ Quite alright with the marks considering how much I revised and listened in class. Oh, when Mr Lea gave out the papers, Zahabia was like showing the typical Singaporean student attitude(the Ohno!). She scored really well anyway which makes it even more typical Singaporean student. Haha! & I found out that Syazwan(did I got it right?) likes Leah Dizon and he watched her that video. Boys... :/

On my way to the East Croydon station(on my way home), a dog came running towards me and started barking. What made it worse was that it starting going around me, like as if it's trying to pick a spot to land its teeth on. But surprisingly, I wasn't feeling any fear(my sister would have probably cried or something). I just stood still until its owner leashed it(they normally unleash their dog when they are in the park). It wasn't my first time when a dog did that to me anyway. I guess I am jaded with the experience. Haha! But thank goodness nothing happened to me. :D

3 of my things are either spoilt/lost. It makes me sad.

That's why I said it's complicated.
I hate fake hopes, I really do.

It's no use hiding/escaping/LYING.

These past few days I learn a few life lessons. I have been carrying this burden in my mind/heart/whatever for quite a while now, due to all the lies that I have been telling people around me. & lately, I just could not hide them any longer. I am actually feeling guilty(super guilty FYI) for all my "ill-doings" all these while.. maybe it's Karma?

Whatever it is, I just could no longer push it aside for the future me to handle the matter. 5/6 days ago I was actually trying to do something, but ended up messing it all up. Then I felt really bad and all, I even lied about who was the culprit(no one asked actually, I just kept quiet and acted it was not me who did it). Now I really regret what I did and knowing that nothing could be done to reverse it, I feel even worse. I don't even know if it will even be fixed in the future. It's like having a cut and not knowing whether a scar would appear when it heals you know? I feel really guilty.

Probably, the guilt had caused me to be super sensitive now. I was actually doing something that was against what my mom said. & in order to hide it from my mom that I didn't do anything, I tried to make it look like no one had touched it. & while I was trying, I messed it up. This time, I am pretty sure nothing could be done to reverse what I did. It's no use trying to hide what I have done at this stage, it's no use lying. So I decided that I would just it back in its current condition. Sigh, what is wrong with me! It's like there's this guilt germ that's following me you know, I feel really bad all the time.

Just now after I had put the thing in its original place, I sort of realised what made me feel so guilty. I remember telling Mila that I feel really bad lying to people and I really want to stop lying. I guess it got me, hurh? Is it Karma? God? Or just me? I don't know, but I just hope that the method could be more gentle, and that things/people around me wouldn't get involved with it(even though it's kind of impossible).

Probably, I should just stick to the books and study, study, study. Cause that way, nothing can go wrong and it will benefit everyone and everything.

Before I end today's post, I would like to apologize if I confused you for the discretion of the matters which I screwed up. So there, good night people!