don't cry, he said

Reality hurts. Going against their so-called logic sucks. Being wrongfully and unfairly judged is completely uncalled for. I don't know what happened exactly but what I know is I need to hang in there for a while more.

This should not even be something to cry about. It nothing emotional. It is just pressure. Being frustrated does not help.

I may not be walking out of here, or walking out of here happy, but at least I saw some truth. Besides, there ain't much click.

humidity and organisms

Things took a plunge this week as I come face to face with reality. I thought everything was going smoothly, at least for the state of my room. I thought most of the things were in place and I am ready to welcome someone special. I am nowhere near my illusion. My bubble burst when I saw what was happening (or growing) behind my bookshelf. I was utterly shocked and disgusted. Things just went downhill from there. I have been greeted by at least a rude revelation everyday.

In a nutshell, most of my plans backfired. My room is in a disgusting mess and probably toxic as well. It is nothing like how I have imagined (clean, welcoming, pleasant, warm, cozy). It smells like bleach (which only ruined the carpet). Once that goes away, I am expecting the musky smell to come back and linger until the landlady finally gets going. Yes, I can always build it up again... but it is heartbreaking to see all my efforts come crashing down like that.

It is a very tough lesson learnt (or to learn). I do wish that I prevented it/ noticed it earlier and kept it under control before it reached this stage. However, I am thankful that I still have time to adjust and make best of whatever I have now. Please be nice!

:)

insomnia

Throughout the whole week, I have been feeling like as though everyday is a Friday. Now that Friday has gone (technically, since it is already past midnight), it feels kind of weird. Weird in the sense that it was a real Friday and not just a feeling. I don't think anyone would have understood what I just typed. Anyway, I am happy that the weekend is here because the weekdays were hectic. Crazy. Hectic.

Unfortunately, no elaboration for now. I need my beauty sleep :)

madness monday

I can't believe yesterday was just Monday and I am already exhausted. The next few days will not be showing me any mercy either as there will be at least one event jotted down on my planner for each evening. From career fair, society meetings/events to Rihanna concert. Oops I guess I left out countless readings (already), job applications AND research. Where in the world am I supposed to find the time?!!

On a brighter note, I submitted my very first job application! Spontaneously started it an hour ago and it didn't seem as complicated as the other which is still hanging around waiting for completion. Not pinning much hope on it because it is really simple and I barely did much reading on the job scope (not proud of this). I do still hope for the best though! :)

I better scoot now since I promised someone to sleep by midnight and it's already significantly past that. It was for a good cause baby!! I promise :)

Michaelmas Term week 1, year 3

It's funny how I refuse to start my post-hiatus entry with the usual "it's been a long time...". I was just about to start off with that phrase but held back and had an internal debate on how I should start off with the post. Should I just jump into the main content (not like I have any...)? Or should I start with describing how much I miss blogging? & before I know it, I have started the entry. :)

As always, it feels weird to start writing again. I did think of moving to tumblr since it is very visual and... new. However I just could not bear because part of me wants to remain loyal to my beloved itswrittendown.blogspot. My very first post here was dated on 26th November 2005. I am not sure if it is silly to actually feel attached to my blog. Like, am I having a relationship with my blog?!

Moving on.

Year three has started. Modules are definitely much more difficult now (damn it). The pressure to land myself in a Graduate job is building up as each day passes by. Deadlines are supposed to be by the end of this month or the next. I have completed... zero? Well I am in the middle of one right now, just that I was caught position-less under the responsibilities section. Not impressive. I am glad that I have at least something to add on since last Friday. It was not the position that I was vying for but something is better than nothing right? :D

I am supposed to be more pro-active this year than my previous two (more like non-existent). I am not sure how that is going to work out... we shall see!

closing to 4 weeks of exams

I am currently at a point of extreme saturation. To be preparing for a paper which you have to remember 180+ cases and numerous statutes is definitely a very, very torturous feat. I would love to have a happy ending and fly home with high-spirits knowing that I gave it my best for this exams. Please give me the memory to remember what I have read, give me the strength to keep going and give me the ability to make up for the mistakes done.

无花果

My day has been progressing quite badly due to the following events:

1. Woke up feeling groggy as of the previous few days. My mind is getting kind of sluggish for some reason. I really hope it gets better soon!

2. As I was trying to start reading, a very disturbing drilling noise came from the apartment 2 floors down. How am I supposed to concentrate? Thankfully it has stopped now. According to the person doing the drilling work (yes I went down to ask when the drilling will end), today is supposed to be the only drilling day. There will be no more loud construction on the subsequent days, which will be GREAT.

3. Kept making the same mistakes! I am going to practice one more question and move on to the next topic. Let's get this right Inggrid!! :)

I was eating some preserved fruits by the name of the above title. I thought it is quite apt for this post and kind of describes how unproductive my day is.

I was about to leave this out but I guess I shall type it out. Okay maybe it is kind of silly to be hoping for something to happen despite the slim chance of it happening. I guess it is my fault for letting myself have that bit of hope for Shaun enrolling this year. It is quite a selfish hope, I know. So anyway it seems like he is advised to defer his enrolment for another year. Of course I couldn't help myself and felt sad. It's a natural (selfish) first reaction right? But I guess there's really no point lingering on this issue until there is a final decision. If it is really meant to be, then things will work out. Be it LDR or finding a job here or some other route that is still not in sight... it really comes down to effort (and maybe fate?). All I need to work towards now are good grades and a good degree because everything else is beyond my control.

One step at a time :)

Sent from my iPhone

la note de numéro sept cents

I decided to post something on my outdated blog before I move on and tackle an exam question. I am surprised that this post is actually the 700th post. Have I been blogging for that long or that much? It is definitely not the case recently, especially this year. As I grow up, time just get robbed away little by little. From commitments to interests to just plain staring into space, time slips away regardless of how aware I am. I find myself having the need to apportion my time wisely, which always end up in an epic fail. As I grow up and especially when I got attached with Shaun, I realised that I spend significantly less time with my family (and friends). I do have my reasons for that but I have to say that sometimes I feel that I am being selfish. I do miss those times when the whole family does things together e.g. travelling, sleepy nap times, CNY...

Coincidentally, today happens to be Mother's Day too! I used to be posting quite a bit of (naive and rowdy) things about my mom back in Secondary School days. Being a rebellious teenager, she was really harsh with me. I would always be filled with angst in response to her harshness and having no other avenue to effectively relieve my anger, I always end up blogging it out. Hence my posts about her then would always be really, really... loud. Today my mom still is quite harsh, but she issn't as harsh as she was in the past. It could be the distance and/or that I am more matured than I was back in those days. I definitely don't miss those time when she would scold me for the wrongs I did/ she perceived and there are some things that I still don't quite see the same way as she does. Nonetheless, I always find myself thinking about my mom and the motherly things that she always do. Especially times when I am alone/ away from her/ depressed/ homesick/ emotional/ etc.. I always think of how she always make sure that our clothes are well ironed, small needs are met, making sure that we have enough water to drink etc.. It's the littlest things she does that touches my heart the most. One event I will never, ever forget is one of my birthdays when I was still studying in Indonesia. My siblings were already schooling in Singapore so it was just my parents and myself in our Indonesia residence. It was raining heavily and my dad called saying that he would not be back for lunch. My mom, seeing how excited I was to blow out the candles and eat the cake, did not want to disappoint me by telling me that my dad couldn't make it. So she opened the birthday box, lighted the candles and sang the birthday song for me. Even though my dad was not there as I blew out my candles, I was really happy that at least my mom was there with me. This memory is very significant to me, especially when I rarely get to celebrate my birthday with my family members ever since I moved to Singapore for studies and subsequently, London. Typing this out already makes me all runny. Egawd.

I am still rebellious to my mom. Sometimes I still don't agree with her ideas/ rules. I still get angry when she insists on doing things her way. But I love her no less whenever such clashes happen. It breaks my heart whenever I realise that time is passing and seeing my mom ageing. It breaks my heart that she is always so stubborn at perfecting her housework at the expense of her own health and still waiting for the right time to hire a maid/ buy items that will easily make her life easier (she is irrational like that). It breaks my heart when I see my mom not in her usual harsh/strong self. Maybe that is why she is harsh. I don't know if that is her (unconscious) way of making me strong. It does sound weird that she wants to instill the angst in me too but I guess every mother has her own way of nurturing and loving her child. If I could make a wish on Mother's Day for my mom, I wish that she will always be healthy, joyful and loved by both family and friends. (& that she will be able to be more rational in her thoughts and decisions too :P)

fear

The pressure is intense. Fear is creeping inside me, just like how it did last year. I was taken back by the reading list because most of them does not sound familiar. I took a peek at past year papers and honestly I could only do certain parts of the few questions that feels familiar. The good thing is I have about a little more than a week to do this. I have to face this. Because if I don't, at the end of the day, I will regret.

falling

In need of a super-brain and endless time...

& salt over the shoulder, horseshoe, four-leaf clover, mimosa, whatever lucky charms there are out there! Or maybe just 4 of those little pills from Limitless :) I promise I won't be greedy!!

I absolutely cannot believe that I am left with just a little less than 3 weeks to cram one year worth of intensive stuff in my brain. Make or break? Butterflies are already going berserk in my stomach, fluttering all over the lungs now.

Sent from my iPhone