Coincidentally, today happens to be Mother's Day too! I used to be posting quite a bit of (naive and rowdy) things about my mom back in Secondary School days. Being a rebellious teenager, she was really harsh with me. I would always be filled with angst in response to her harshness and having no other avenue to effectively relieve my anger, I always end up blogging it out. Hence my posts about her then would always be really, really... loud. Today my mom still is quite harsh, but she issn't as harsh as she was in the past. It could be the distance and/or that I am more matured than I was back in those days. I definitely don't miss those time when she would scold me for the wrongs I did/ she perceived and there are some things that I still don't quite see the same way as she does. Nonetheless, I always find myself thinking about my mom and the motherly things that she always do. Especially times when I am alone/ away from her/ depressed/ homesick/ emotional/ etc.. I always think of how she always make sure that our clothes are well ironed, small needs are met, making sure that we have enough water to drink etc.. It's the littlest things she does that touches my heart the most. One event I will never, ever forget is one of my birthdays when I was still studying in Indonesia. My siblings were already schooling in Singapore so it was just my parents and myself in our Indonesia residence. It was raining heavily and my dad called saying that he would not be back for lunch. My mom, seeing how excited I was to blow out the candles and eat the cake, did not want to disappoint me by telling me that my dad couldn't make it. So she opened the birthday box, lighted the candles and sang the birthday song for me. Even though my dad was not there as I blew out my candles, I was really happy that at least my mom was there with me. This memory is very significant to me, especially when I rarely get to celebrate my birthday with my family members ever since I moved to Singapore for studies and subsequently, London. Typing this out already makes me all runny. Egawd.
I am still rebellious to my mom. Sometimes I still don't agree with her ideas/ rules. I still get angry when she insists on doing things her way. But I love her no less whenever such clashes happen. It breaks my heart whenever I realise that time is passing and seeing my mom ageing. It breaks my heart that she is always so stubborn at perfecting her housework at the expense of her own health and still waiting for the right time to hire a maid/ buy items that will easily make her life easier (she is irrational like that). It breaks my heart when I see my mom not in her usual harsh/strong self. Maybe that is why she is harsh. I don't know if that is her (unconscious) way of making me strong. It does sound weird that she wants to instill the angst in me too but I guess every mother has her own way of nurturing and loving her child. If I could make a wish on Mother's Day for my mom, I wish that she will always be healthy, joyful and loved by both family and friends. (& that she will be able to be more rational in her thoughts and decisions too :P)
