Everything comes tumbling down. Crash.

It felt so heavy.
It felt so teary.
It felt so tight.
I feel the difficulty to swalow down my saliva.

Everything seemed warm, yet cold; kind, yet scary; right, yet wrong. Those feelings, they contradics. It's always repeating itself year by year. The only difference is that it get worse and worse.

I guess those who are still in the midst of growing up to be an adult thinks it's okay and forget about it easily. Where do they get this idea? Influence. These people wants a change, something that is more exciting and less ordinary. For example, defiant. It's more or less the same: Just let the old ones nag at you, and let the words exit from your other ear. They don't care much, anyway.

Somehow, I got that idea either 1 or 2 years ago. Yea, I think it's cool. Everyone is doing it, why shan't you do it too? My grades began falling like suicide, since then. I feel stupid now. Really stupid. It's as bad as mutilating yourself.

It's like a habit since then. First semester I don't really care about my results, be it fail and what, I don't really care. Second semester is always the period of time when I began to regret really badly. Fresh new year, I decided to buck up and not repeat what happened the previous year. But no, it had repeated itself again. When will I break out of this circle? I feel the urgency now, when it's too late.

My parents is always disappointed by me and my results. I think my attitude too. I want to be a good daugther, so that they will trust me and be proud of me. I had wasted much of their effort. This year especially. How am I supposed to tell them that I failed 4 subjects? 4 F9s are no joke. It's getting serious. I can no longer try and find excuses, and I don't want to lie any longer. I don't want to. The fear is growing. I don't know how to tell them. Will they even believe me? This is one case which I just hope my parents would read my blog.

Somebody, please enlighten me.



and I don't want to be like a bad shuttle bus.